Dear Alanna, thanks for making my brain hurt.

On Saturday I drove down to Harbor House with some friends to celebrate Dillon's birthday. While Alanna and I spent the entire drive back on the freeway displaying our incredible vocal range and lyrical knowledge of KOST 103.5 songs, we used the drive down to have some good conversation. Alanna asked me a question that was and still is really kinda hard for me to answer. We ended up discussing it for some time and I really like the points she made about it. But just for fun I will try and unravel some of my thoughts on this question:

"Why do some kids 'make it' through the teenage years and keep their faith and other's don't?"

I put a little bit of thinking into this the last couple days, and this is as far as I have gotten so far:

1. Physical
2. Spiritual
3. Personal

1. The physical aspect refers to literally just showing up. Physically putting yourself in a place where the Word of God is being taught, where followers of Christ physically are, and where you will be challenged to be different. For myself, having attended almost every camp, mexico trip, bible study, worship night, park day, beach bonfire, or guys trip from 4th grade until college, I have seen first hand how students lives can be changed whether or not they really intended it. Looking back on mexico trips, there were plenty of students in my villages who were just there because it sounded cool, their friends were going, they had nothing else to do, or they just wanted to try something that was real. And their lives are different because of simply that, showing up. Unfortunately, just showing up doesn't necessarily keep students from falling away from Christ. Obviously if we can sit around and talk about why students slowly drift away from the church, then we must be thinking about specific people. And the only way we would've known those people is if they had been showing up before. The problem is that showing up isn't going to pry our eyes, ears, and hearts open to God. There has to be some sort of choice involved.

2. The spiritual aspect is where we take the physical places where we connect with God and other believers, and choose to find our place in them. This is where students begin to put not just their physical bodies into the ministry, but their hearts and their passions. It is God's perfect plan that the gifts he gives us be turned back around and used to glorify him. It is then that the roots of our heart begin to grow deep into the ministry. Just like the parable of the seeds, we don't become connected to a church just by being there. A seed sitting on a road isn't part of the road at all. It is only one slight breeze away from being long gone. Pouring your gifts and talents into something entangles your heart there. Choosing to serve in a ministry and devote your time, talents, and passions will grow roots that will not be easily ripped out.

3. The personal aspect refers to simply the people who will not let you go quietly. No one likes the feeling that they could leave and no one would notice. For some of us like myself who have always felt comfortable at church, and have always had plenty of Christian friends, it might be hard to imagine it any other way. But just think how many students sit in church and say to themselves, "I could walk out right now and never come back and no one would even notice." Aside from physically showing up and spiritually attaching their heart into the ministry, students need to feel like there are people who simply will not watch them fail. This includes students developing accountability with each other, as well as being mentored by leaders who pour into their lives.

That's kind of just the basics of what I have been thinking about on the subject. Trying to gather my thoughts has been kind of weird as I am beginning to remember just how many awesome people I have seen drift away from God over the years. I think that those three things are more of a general look at it though, and don't really look at the specifics like personality, insecurities, and spiritual discipline. Overall I believe that no matter what the circumstances, being a follower of Christ is all about choice. If I could say one thing to every high school senior in a ministry I would probably say this:

Being a follower of Christ has nothing to do with feelings, and everything to do with commitment. You've seen God's way and you've seen the world's way. Pick a side and do something.

If we want to be followers of Christ we must simply do it. It isn't a nice idea, a good feeling, or our "spiritual side." It should be who we are, what we want, what we think, and what we do. Satan has plenty of other things for us to be doing the second we leave our options open.


"But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD." Joshua 24:15

9-19-07

People have always argued whether human nature is essentially good or evil. I think it is a good argument not just because I like thinking about things, but more because it scares me. It's really easy for people to watch movies or hear stories and wonder how in the world people end up like that. How do humans become murderers? Rapists? Lately, I have pondered the question, "How do humans NOT become all these things?"

I have a hard time watching movies like Hotel Rwanda, Blood Diamond, or The Invisible Children. My stomach always gets sick, especially when I see the kids with guns killing people. It's almost like you can look in their eyes and see nothing. It doesn't seem possible. It doesn't seem human.

My friend Travis bought me a knife in Africa. It is about 10 inches, double-edged, and in a sheath. Every so often I pull it out and put it in my hand. I hold it out in front of me and stare at it until I start shaking and have to put it away. Images start rushing into my head while I am holding it of what it would be like for me to kill someone. What would it be like to be a killer? Would I do it?

I remember reading a part in the book, Blue Like Jazz, where Donald Miller talks about how human pride wants to believe that we are above certain things. That we are incapable of such terrible acts. That under the same circumstances, we wouldn't choose the same path. Lately, my mind has been racing with the idea of being broken in front of God, not allowing pride to keep Christ from doing work in my life.

As a Christian living comfortably, feeling loved, and being surrounded by believers my entire life, I have to be careful of the thoughts that begin to develop in my head. Is it possible that I have convinced myself I am above certain things? Am I a pretty good guy? I really can't get this all out of my head.

My friend Mark Dodd and I always talk about how amazing the song, "John Wayne Gacy Jr." by Sufjan Stevens is. The song talks about John Wayne Gacy Jr., the famous rapist and killer. It describes his childhood, the terrible things he did, and the scars he left on an entire community. And at the very end of the song, Sufjan adds this:

And in my best behavior
I am really just like him
look underneath the floorboards
for the secrets I have hid

I really don't know how to wrap up thoughts like this. I don't think I will stop thinking about this for a long time. I do know that Christ's answer is always the same: come just as you are. Whether I want to admit it or not, I am broken and sinful. Allowing my mind to wrap its arms around the idea just happens to be a lot more beneficial than trying to deny it.

Because as I become more and more broken before God, my pride sheds like old skin. And with the loss of pride comes humility, and with humility comes servanthood. And serving is essentially putting other people first, which is the ultimate sign of love. And love is our greatest aim.

9-12-07

the other day I got the chance to catch up with one of my mentors in life. He told me about a time when he was taking a walk, and all at once it finally hit him just how far away all his friends had drifted. And he broke down and cried.

I think I'm at a point in my life where things are really starting to hit me hard. The last three years have changed me more than any other time in my life. People always describe change in terms of bad and good. For me, the last three years have just changed me to be. I actually am something now.

On the way to the beach a few weeks ago, my friend Mark Dodd and I were talking about how stupid we were with electives in high school. The point of electives is that you have extra classes that you need to take, but you get to choose which ones you want to take. For us being musicians, we chose music classes where we could learn cool stuff that we were interested in. Yet when it came down to the teacher assigning work, we complained about it, didn't put much effort into it, asked other kids for answers, and treated it like it wasn't something we signed up for. Looking back, I really wish I had learned a lot more from those classes. I chose to be in those classes, and yet I took it for granted.

I think that the most beautiful thing God has been teaching me is that following him has nothing to do with feelings, and everything to do with commitment. It is something I signed up for. And it is something I want to follow through on, regardless of how I feel in the moment.

Driving home just now, I pictured my life like a giant canvas with a painting I was working on. I told God that I am either going to paint the next stroke, or put the brush down and walk away. Because just standing there and looking at it doesn't make me a painter at all. It makes me nothing. A fake.

I have to admit that I've spent lots of periods of my life as a lukewarm Christian, most of the time probably telling myself I wasn't. I'm starting the grasp the reason God attacks lukewarm Christians so harshly. I spent a good chunk of my life just being prideful and constantly looking down on people who didn't "get it" like I did. In reality, all these people I made fun of for the things they did, the things they said, or the ways they sought after for meaning in life, were searching a lot harder than I was.

Who is a bigger fool? The man searching for gold who never finds it. Or the man who finds it and buries it.

So what if the kid in my class thinks saving trees is the most important thing in life. He's searching for truth like everyone else. Everyone else except me. I already found truth, but did nothing. So who am I to judge him?

Two weeks ago I went with the Crave College Ministry to Forest Home on the College Briefing trip. I think that more and more I am finding that the college age absolutely tears at my heart and should be at the forefront (and usually is) of every church. Working with youth ministry has taught me that the truth sets us free. I think that being involved in college ministry has taught me that freedom reveals the real truth. That when people finally reach the age where mom and dad can't tell them what to do anymore, where they have every chance to fail, where their hearts and minds are being pulled in every direction, the choice to follow Christ is so beautiful.

I wish I could see what God has in store for the next year. I have lost and gained more friends in the last year than in my entire life. Some days I can sit around thinking about this and wonder where it all went wrong. I can spend entire days just wondering why things have led up to this part of my life.

But honestly, all I know is that I've committed myself to Jesus Christ. The past and future aren't in my hands. All I have in my hands is this paintbrush. And the painting is just beginning to unfold in front of my eyes with each new stroke. I've made up my mind to not stare at it any longer. So my only choice is to paint the next stroke or walk away. And I'm not walking away.